how can i put it down into words
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: James never knew how hard it could be to say goodbye to the person he loves.


**A/N: My final entry for Year 2 of the Houses Competition. Once again, massive thanks to the mods for an amazing year! Title from Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie**

 **House: Ravenclaw**

 **Theme: First experience or first time doing something**

 **Prompt: Saying goodbye to the love of your life**

 **Word count: 1505**

 **NOTE: This is an AU in which James survived the attack on the Potter household, but Lily still died for Harry.**

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Dear Lily,

If you'd have told me a few weeks ago that I would be doing this right now, I would have laughed and asked if you were feeling okay. I would have told you to get some sleep, and stroked your hair, and probably have said that everything would be better in the morning. I know that I wouldn't have believed you, because we were so happy. Strange how all that can be changed so quickly.

I didn't know if I was going to do this before I actually picked up the quill. People (well, mostly Remus) had told me that it was a good way of letting my emotions out, or something, but I mostly ignored them because I hadn't wanted to deal with anything then. I think you would have been ashamed of the way I acted, but I can't apologise for it. It was just… You, and Peter, and everything else - it really knocked me, Lil. I mean, it still is - it's only been three weeks, but those first few days were so hard that I couldn't even _think_ about dealing with anything.

But, anyway. Like I said, I wasn't sure if I was going to do this, but here I am. It's my first time trying it, and I don't know if there will be a second, but I'll give it a shot. Besides, when has Moony ever been wrong?

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. There's just so much I want to tell you, but I don't have a clue where to start. Okay. Here goes nothing, I guess.

Firstly, I just want to tell you how much I loved you. No, that's not right. I still love you, Lily, more than I've ever loved anyone else. I don't think you ever believed me when I told you this before, but you were my first love, the only person I've ever truly loved with all my heart. I'd heard my parents talk about finding 'the one', and how you'd just know that they were the right person for you. I laughed at them when I was growing up because it all sounded stupid to me, but you, Lily Evans, were the right person for me. The _only_ person for me.

I love you so much. I'll never stop loving you, and I'll make sure that Harry grows up to know what a brave, amazing woman his mother was. I'm not sure how much of all this he understands, but I think he knows that something's wrong. He's been fairly quiet since that night, and I can tell that he misses you a lot. We both do.

I wish I could tell you how I survived. Sometimes, I wish that I could have died too, just so that I could be with you, but then I look at our son and I am glad that I didn't. His hair is growing in nicely - it's black and messy, just like mine. His eyes are bright green, and they remind me of you every time I look at him. He's going to grow up handsome, but that was never in question. After all, he has two of the most beautiful people on the planet for parents. He has a scar as well, now, in the shape of a lightning bolt. I hate that, because it will always mark him out as different, but I would rather him have a scar than him be dead. So.

Here's something else, he's getting good at riding that broom that Sirius bought him. We'll have to get him a real one soon enough. I'm telling you, he'll be the best Quidditch player Hogwarts has seen in a century! And the youngest, too! He'll make us proud.

Speaking of us, it feels strange that I don't have to write it or say it anymore. Sometimes it just slips out and people give me those sympathetic looks. I hate it so much, but I can hardly tell them not to do it. It was especially bad yesterday, but I suppose I should have expected that. It was your funeral, after all.

Then again, I had no idea what to expect at all. Obviously, it wasn't my first time at a funeral, but it was the first one I really and truly cared about. No, that's the wrong way to phrase it. What I mean is that it was completely different to my parents' funeral, or those of the friends that we lost. I suppose that is why I decided to write this letter, because I've never felt grief like this, ever, and I need to let it out before it kills me.

People say that funerals are supposed to bring closure, to help you say goodbye to your loved one. But, I don't know, I didn't feel like I'd truly said 'goodbye' yet. It still feels just as surreal as it did the morning after, and I still sometimes think that you're going to walk through the door and kiss me 'good morning,' like you were never gone at all. Sometimes, I'll think of a joke, or Harry will do something, and I'll turn to share it with you, but you're not there. That's when it hurts the most, because that's when it really hits that I'll never be able to do any of those things with you again. No more date nights, no more talking until the early hours, no more you.

It hurts. Merlin, Lily, it hurts like hell.

That's actually the first time I've ever admitted how bad it's become; not even Moony or Padfoot know. You'd be disappointed in me for that - I can just hear you now: _Talk to them, James,_ you'd say. _Stop being an idiot and let them help you for once in your life._

You'd be right, of course. You always were right about everything. I know that Remus and Sirius would listen, and they'd try to help, but this isn't something I really know how to share. And we're all grieving, because we all loved you, every single one of us, so we have to figure out our own ways of getting through it. Apparently mine is just to keep it to myself until I feel ready to break. Yay for me?

But, seriously, I will try and talk in my own time. For you, for the memory of you, I'll try. In all honestly, it's been difficult for any of us to talk to each other, because Peter's name always comes up, and that never results in anything good. They tried to arrest Sirius for your murder before I stepped in and told them we had changed Secret Keepers at the last minute. Peter's disappeared, run off somewhere, the coward, but we've barely been able to keep Sirius from leaving and hunting him down. It's times like these when I wish you were still here; you always managed to help Sirius out of his fits of rage. Remus and I do our best, but I've never been good at keeping people calm, and Sirius is far too good at blocking us out. He doesn't even play with Harry much, which has been upsetting him. You remember how Sirius was always Harry's favourite to play with.

I'm worried about him, Lily.

There's something dark inside Sirius, there always has been, and I'm scared of what he might do when he gets like this. We can't take anymore losses, so we've just got to focus on helping him and making sure he doesn't do anything stupid. It's going to be hard.

I think, though, that we'll manage. I don't know how long it's going to take, and I don't think that we'll ever stop missing you, but we'll get through this. I know that it's what you would have wanted, so we should at least give it a shot, right?

As for Harry, Hagrid visited us the other day. He asked for any photos we might have of you, of _us_ , and said that he wants to put an album together. _On'y if yer think it's a good idea,_ he said, in true Hagrid style. Remus and I have spent a couple of days going through everything we have, picking out photos to send to him. There were more than a few tears, on both of our parts. It's going to be beautiful, just right for you.

Lily… I know you will never see this letter, but it feels important to me that I say this.

I love you. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you. I wish things had been different, but they're not, and it hurts so much that it must be this way. But I promise you, I _will_ keep living, I will raise Harry to be the best person he can, I will make sure that your memory lives on in him.

Thank you, Lily Evans, for making my life incredible.

And… Goodbye.

Love always,

James

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 **A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed that! Thank you for reading, and please leave a review if you have a moment.**


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